2009 December | I Hate My 9 to 5

Archive | December, 2009

Benefits Department Fail

31. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I was attacked one night walking to my apartment, and the guys broke my collarbone and did a number on my face. I called my boss to let her know and she told me to take time off to recover as Disability Leave. A week and a half into my "Disability" I received a call from our benefits department telling me I wasn't entitled to Disability Leave, since I hadn't been with the company long enough. Instead, the time I had taken off was being considered sick days and vacation time, and they were calling me to let me know that I had run out of my entitlement for the year, and if I expected to get paid I had to come in the next day. Without any vacation days left, I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family.

benefits, disability, injury

Shithead Remarks

30. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Today I was complaining via email about how awful my boss is. I sent a long ranting message filled with fucks and “he’s a complete shithead” remarks to my boyfriend, along with 75 work colleagues and several clients. I have a mandatory meeting with HR after the New Year.

boss, email, human resources

Unicorns

30. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

When I’m bored at work I enter cubicles and change screen savers on random computers. I post pictures of puppies and unicorns.

cubicles, screen saver, unicorns

Juvenile Resume

29. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I work in human resources. I had a recent candidate staple a 2 page explanation of why he spent 1 year in a juvenile detention center. The incident happened in 1982 and he’s still concerned it may harm his chances of landing employment. He didn’t get the job.

human resources, job, juvenile detention

Dog Poop

29. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My boss brings her dog in to work and it poops in the lobby. Guess who has to pick it up?

Missing: Dental Floss

28. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I’ve started to steal personal items from random workstations. Pens. Mugs. Dental Floss. Family Portraits. Taking these insignificant items helps me hate my job a little less.

missing objects, mugs, office, stealing

Baby Baby Baby

26. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My boss has an annoying habit of calling everyone in the office baby or sweetie. At our holiday party my wife heard her call me baby several uncomfortable times. Now, my wife thinks I'm sleeping with my boss.

affair, baby, holiday party

Be Assertive

23. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

After being blatantly overlooked for a promotion I finally gave my boss a piece of my mind. I called him incompetent and grossly unprofessional in the workplace. His response “Where was all this assertiveness 6 months ago. Now I have to fire you.”

assertive, boss, fired, promotion

Facebook Status

23. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My office mistress finally decided to end our relationshipâ€¦via her Facebook status.

Facebook, mistress, office

Darn

23. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My co-worker has an annoying habit of using words like “fudge” or “darn” instead of good ole' fashion curse words. Recently, I’ve started to correct him in the office. Him: Fudge, the darn copier is out of ink again. Me: You mean fuck, the fucking copier is out of ink again.

co-worker, copier, curse words

Head-On Collision

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I arrived at work today and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for missing work 2 days ago. There was severe snow storm and I was involved in a head-on collision. I completely totaled my car. My boss didn’t believe me.

car, collision, disciplinary action, missing work

Pay Raise

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My boss told me I was getting a HUGE raise and in my excitement I purchased a roundtrip ticket to Ocho Rios, Jamaica on my credit card . The next day HR told me he made a terrible mistakeâ€¦the raise was for my supervisor.

boss, mistake, pay raise

Here Kitty Kitty…

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My cubicle mate is obsessed with her cats. At least once a day she calls me over to her computer to look at her “cute little kitten” pictures. I’m allergic to cat dander and she smells like day old cat litter.

cats, co-worker

Hot Chocolate

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My boss ridicules me for enjoying hot chocolate instead of hot coffee during our morning staff meeting. Before I make a statement he’ll smirk and ask, “How’s your coco?”

boss, coffee, hot chocolate, staff meetings

Prom Dress

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I bought a nice new dress for a holiday party. Once I walked in the room my work colleague laughed and said, “What does she think this is prom?”

dress code, holiday party

CPR

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Today I accidently got an erection while learning CPR. The instructor had to ask me to leave the session and compose myself.

Pee-Pee

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My office likes to make up quirky names for employees. My name is Peterâ€¦someone thought it would be cute to call me Pee-Pee. Even during conference calls with clients in Japan.

conference calls, nicknames, office, pet names

New Office

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My new office is actually a “reconstructed” fitting room. The sales associates are complaining that my new space is interfering with their commission and want me to re-locate.

commission, fitting room, office size

World’s Best Dad

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I secretly throw away mugs in the company kitchen, especially ones the read “World’s Best Dad.” I’m a horrible father.

company kitchen, mug

Special Invitation

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My co-worker invited everyone at the office to her June wedding expect for me. There are only 7 people in our office.

co-worker, invitation, wedding

Darth Vader

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I have a habit of drunk dialing my office and leaving my supervisor obscene messages in a Darth Vader voice. She thinks she has a stalker.

Darth Vader, drunk dialing, obscene messages, office, stalker

Please Dress Appropriately

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

My supervisor was prepping our team for an important meeting with prospective clients. At the end she turned to me and said “Please dress appropriately. No miniskirts or showing of the mid-drift.”

dress code, prospective clients, supervisor, team work

Text Message

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Today I was fired via text message. I replied with a picture of my penis.

penis, picture, text message

Boyz II Men

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

During a strategy session my manager started sobbing uncontrollably because her dog had recently died. To console her our team started to sing "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" by Boyz II Men.

strategy session, team work, training

Email Signature

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I finally noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year.

company, email signature, spelling

Isotoner Slippers

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

This morning I found a greeting card and a present at my desk. My boss gave me a pair of isotoner slippers and the card read “Working with you is a real joy. Merry Christmas”. He’s been threatening to fire me for the last year.

fired, isotoner, merry shristmas, slippers

Insolent Employee

22. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Today I learned that being an insolent employee is not a compliment.

compliment, employee, insolent

Baby Mama

12. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Upon returning to my job at a middle school after maternity leave, my boss, who is all of three years older, has kids of her own, and about 60 lbs lighter than me says, "I'm so glad your back. Now I just need you to teach other people how to do what you do. We were helpless while you were gone. What if you get pregnant AGAIN!"

maternity leave

Smoke ‘em if you Got ‘em…

09. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

I’m part of the smoking brigade in my office building. There is a huge rooftop patio where we gather for a quick smoke - there are also two single bathrooms by the elevators. One morning, in the office exceptionally early, I sat on the roof enjoying my usual breakfast - a cigarette with a side coffee. Honestly, I got lost in time. Realizing that I should probably make my way to my desk, I ran to the bathroom to ensure I was presentable. Without thinking much of it I opened the door to one of my fellow smokers on the toilet â€“ she sat utterly mortified - with her hand reaching for the door in hopes that it would magically close. I haven't been on the roof in a week.

“Thank God for Small Favors”

04. Dec, 2009 0 Comments

Construction is being done in my office building. One of the construction workers came into the men's bathroom, sat down in the stall RIGHT next to me (there were 4 other empty stalls,) and right before he drops what I'm sure has to be the biggest, foulest, most suffocating load in history he says, "Whew! Thank God for small favors." There was nothing small about the "favor" this man just granted me.

bathroom, construction, office

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