Archive | November, 2009

Eating Habits

23. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

It’s evident that my receptionist has an eating disorder. To encourage healthy eating habits I routinely bring fruit and vegetables to share in our company kitchen. On holidays I like to bring bake cookies and cakes. Yesterday I overheard her telling another co-worker I bring food because “I’m fat and lonely”. She’s right.
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Porn-conference

23. Nov, 2009 1 Comment

Last week I caught our intern watching porn and masturbating in our company conference room. To avoid his ultimate embarrassment and dismissal from our internship program we had a light-hearted “bro” talk and he promised not to do it again. I actually found the whole bit amusing. That was until I booked the conference room for a huge presentation for prospective clients. Instead of my presentation we watched 2 horrifying minutes of a mass orgy.
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Girl Fight

23. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I walked past the women’s bathroom today and overheard 2 women arguing inside. Apparently, they were BOTH sleeping with our (married) CEO. Somehow the argument escalated and they began to physically fight in the restroom. Being a man, I was hesitant to enter and break up the fight. I decided to finally intervene when I heard glass break. I walked in to find one women screaming “you cunt” and violently shoving the other inside the toilet. By the time it was all over the whole office was gathered outside the bathroom. And I got kicked in the balls.
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Team Building

23. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

As a team building exercise we had a “stereotype party”. The goal was to eliminate “labeling” in the office. We had to write on nametags several different personality types and tape one tag to each person's back. Like drones we walked around asking each other "Am I an actor?" "Am I an athlete?" for 45 awkward minutes. My personality type. Fast-food restaurant worker.
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Where is my stapler?

12. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

My boss is going through a divorce and has moved half of her belongings out of her former house and is storing them in her office. Guess whose office she’s using in the interim...
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Ridiculously LOUD Co-worker

12. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

The lady in the office down the hall is ridiculously loud. I sit almost all the way down the hall from her and I still hear everything she says. Everything. Even when her door is closed. She's currently on the phone with someone and is sobbing. "Every time I come over to your place it turns into a threesome...".
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Good Morning

10. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I’ve worked at the same job for the last three years and I haven’t received a promotion. Last week I mustered up the courage to ask why. My boss replied I had great work ethic but should say “Good Morning” more often. The career is at stand still due to my inability to say “Good Morning”.
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Laid Off

10. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I came into work today to pick up my paycheck. Apparently I’d been laid off 2 weeks ago. Human Resources forgot to tell me.
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Toilet Paper

10. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I’ve been secretly stealing toilet paper from my office supply closet for months. I guess someone saw me stuffing the rolls of tissue into my purse because yesterday I found a note at my desk. It read “We all need a little help sometimes but stealing is a sin. Use this gift card to buy yourself toiletries”.
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Not in my Job Description

05. Nov, 2009 1 Comment

I work in a doctor's office as an office assistant. My main job is to file, answer phones, schedule appointments etc. Today, I had to wheel an obese woman to the bathroom so she could pee in a cup. Not only did she not pee in the cup, but she fell on the floor while peeing and rolled around in her own urine (Did I mention she was kinda crazy?). So, I had to break into the stall in order to pick her up and put her back in her wheelchair. Just when I thought all was under control, the woman pushed me down, onto the floor, onto the pee covered floor. Guess who's coming back tomorrow to get another pee sample?
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Dog Sore

04. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

My phone rings at 3:45AM on Friday morning and it’s my boss. I answer the phone thinking it must be some type of family emergency. My boss tells me he needs me to cover the early shift because he is coming in late. Evidently, his dog has a sore on its ass and my boss is taking the mutt to the vet as soon as it opens. I fight the urge to ask if he has lost his ever-loving mind and get up to head to work. Later on in the day my boss calls me and tells me he won’t be coming in at all. The vet gave his dog some medication which has made the mutt woozy. My boss took the rest of the day off because he was afraid the dog may get woozy, and god forbid, fall over and/or go to sleep. Yup, a 4AM phone call over a dog with a sore on its ass...
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Cell Phone Pictures

04. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

My supervisor routinely shows us cell phone pictures of her weekend lover's genitals. Yet she gets offended if we choose not to look, or ask how it all went down.
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Personal Computing…

04. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I was sitting at my cubicle doing my absolute best to make it look like I was doing work. Suddenly, a coworker (in their loudest voice) starts reading over my shoulder...off MY computer screen. I know, sure, I wasn't really doing work. But what's worse? ME not doing work or my co-worker looking at my computer screen and letting EVERYONE in the office know.
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Crazy Crazy Crazy

02. Nov, 2009 4 Comments

I'm a social worker. And though when I took this job, I knew all of which it entailed, there is no getting used to watching a 16-year-old boy eat a whole box of ice cream sandwiches for breakfast, while his handicapped Yorky (both hind legs broken) drags itself across the living room floor trying to lick up the drippings of melted ice cream. The obvious question "Where is your mother?"...is NOT what I ask him. Instead, I just say, "Are you taking your meds?" Then I head for the car...as if I saw nothing strange, at all.
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Diversity training

01. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

I just completed a 3-day corporate-mandated diversity training program. For every “example” I was selected to speak on behalf of African-Americans, Hispanics and oddly enough Pacific Islanders. I’m Native American.
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